pure!

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It's just a question of time
Before they lay their hands on you
And make you just like the rest

...? Pure?

Well, you’re definitely getting me into a hurry… phew. here’s my advanced critique (wth aren’t you content with one word and an illustrating icon?)
Alrigt…
It totally knocked me over when i came to the second line „Fuck peace“, because by then I was already totally into the rhythm of the thing. Then the first image unfolded in my head when i was reading "trying to walk a straight line" and i was thinking of someone totally lost in their lives, like an addict, reeling through the streets;
"just don't know where the guide is" made me think of religion, so as god being the guide and that kafka story "gibs auf" (do you know it?) where a man needs to find the way and asks a policeman (symoblistically god) for the way and the latter says just “give up, give up”. this made me feel, like, lost…
well, then we have “Only true pleasure’s between the legs”, which was a nice parallel to the walking thing because we have legs twice, that makes all the poem more compact. now, if I read it again, anyway, it seems a bit worn out, the old “they all think of sex” thing. but I think that the wording can neutralize this effect.
“Life just is Hate for a reason”…well I didn’t understand that one, really, I didn’t understand what you wanted to say with “hate for a reason”. Can you perhaps express that more clearly?
“We’re all weaving through the hardest obstacle”… I personally have always had a faible for the word “weave” but also if I didn’t, I’d love this formulation because it’s just very picturesque and lets the reader’s mind produce images. that one’s, for example, what I meant with “ure”.
and the end is short, but really my type because I like its bitterness and resignation, sounding like a veteran of life fed up with it all, still angry. and it makes me as a reader angry, too, and I guess that’s perhaps what you’reaiming for (am I right?)
generally, I’d say that your work has its greatest strength at the beginning when it takes the reader into its feeling and then loses a bit of its power and uniqueness when coming a bit too close to disagreeable clichés, ending in the solid middle class but not greatness. for me, it sounds a bit like you’ve lost your own energy and disgust when you spilled it out in the first lines. keep the power and it’s great! kudos and fav.

--
It's just a question of time
Before they lay their hands on you
And make you just like the rest

XD I just didn't know how to take it, now I do.

Phew *wipes away sweat.* Here we go.

Yeah, I can see the cliche with the walking in the straight line. I could change it...hmm...

To be honest it wasn't a religious metaphor, but I am not displeased to have it taken as one (poems can only give so much discription everyone will ave a different interpretation.) I changed line to guide...now I'm thinking of changing it back, line seemed too straight forward though. I more meant the walking to be a metaphor about walking through life and the line/guide being the correct path. *Has to work on that part.*

Has nothing to do with people wanting sex all the time, quite the contrary. I beleive in nothing, no real truth except what the body gives (aside from emotion, whole new theory there but we'll go with this.) So the body feels and responds to nothing except pain, there is no pleasure felt aside from sex, so therefore the "Only true pleasure's between the legs." Its all about how you read it I think there.

The weaving through the hardest obstacle, I'm glad you liked the wording again, that lines in bitterness to those damned complainers who bitch and complain...We're *all*, always weaving through the hardest obstacle. (Maybe I'll change that..I like it.)

I'll work harder to get that disgust to come out towards the end, thank you so very much. This is exactly what I like to improve myself, thank you again.

cool that i could help you, you're always welcome! i'm glad to have improved my way to comment, to be honest i read that journal they recommend in the faq
oh hehe then there was some kind of misunderstanding there! i thought you meant the "pleasure between the legs" thing as critique. but if you think like theat, it's no cliché of course because the cliché's the other way round... the only thing you might have to consider is the possibility others will misunderstand that line as well.
but you also understood something wrong because i personally was totally happy with the wording how it was. change it if you dislike it, anyway...

--
It's just a question of time
Before they lay their hands on you
And make you just like the rest

I think I just want to see about what I can do about the line/guide part but that's about it.

I'm glad you liked it and ya know, if they misinterpret it, its not my problem, I said what I meant ^.^" everything is skewed in some way or another whenever anyone reads/hears/sees anything. Even to touch a fabric a calloused hand will feel it differently, art is something you have to get used to people having different ideas than yours I say.

hm, yes, i think you're right when saying everyone's seeing art differently but as i consider myself as a platon devotee, i don't think that everyone will feel a fabric differently, just like the color yellow will be the same for everyone. of course, the impression everyone gets of it is dependent on the person itself. that's also why art is seen by everyone differently, because it exceeds the mere acknowledgement of letters on a sheet of paper by so far, and because it's almost only impression that forms its being. sorry for the lecture, i just felt like making that clear for me

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It's just a question of time
Before they lay their hands on you
And make you just like the rest